The entire audience was focused on me. I wasn't ready. I trembled under it's gaze as I took the stage. I wished I could sink straight through floorboards, or dissapear behind a fast curtain, I'd even be happy if a fire suddenly started and we had to evacuate the building. I just needed something to prevent this audition from happening.
As I looked at my audience I desperately tried the underwear trick, but I couldn't make myself focus. I could only focus on their eyes. Their eyes were expectant, waiting to judge me. The underwear thing wasn't working. I started to panic, my breath coming in shorter and shorter gasps as my face blanched as all the color drained from my face. I couldn't do this, I needed to get out of here, but just as I was about to walk out, I thought of my best friend. Rea's face was smiling and I could see the encouagement sparkling in her eyes. It was just as if she never left. If she were here I'd be able to do this.
I would give myself one more try. I took a deep breath and envisioned Rea at the back of the room. I focused on her, blocking out my audience completely, and worked to stop hyperventilating. This time when I took a deep breath I searched for my character. Eponine was hiding in my head somewhere. I searched through my mind, remembering her objectives and obstacles until I stopped thinking as me and I became her. I was ready now. Maruis had abonded me, left me while he went off with Cozette, that beautiful wonderful girl that a street rat like me could never compare to. I didn't blame him, but that didn't make me feel any better. I opened my mouth to share my feelings with him and to prove to myself that I could do this. I waited for the piano, and then locked my eyes on Rea as I started to sing.
"And now I'm all alone again,
Nowhere to turn no one to go to,"
In that moment, as I spoke those potent words and stared at my best friend, I forgot all about Eponine. This wasn't about her and Marius, this was about me and Rea. I took that hurt, the betrayal I felt after each excuse she used to avoid seeing me these days, I stole that pent up emotion from the depth of my soul and let it flow into the song. The anger at her avoidance, the sense of loss of my best friend, and finally the acceptance, when I finally understood she didn't want me anymore and stopped bothering her. She had him, she no longer needed me. Gone were the days of watching spongebob and listening to musicals. She'd moved on. It was time for me now, but I couldn't let go. Eponine clung to Marius and I was just as unwilling to give up Rea.
It was with a heart rending sob that I ended the painful experience and and reminded myself, after all the anger and bitterness,
"I love him,
I love him,
I love him,"
and then with a barely audible sigh,
"but only on my own."
I realized that I was shaking again and my eyes were moist. I started to see the audience again and to my utter disbelief they all looked awed. Then, as if awakening from a trance, they started to clap.
I left the stage, grateful that my time in the spotlight was over, but feeling sort of empty inside. I stumbled outside the theatre to get some fresh air. The cool oxygen calmed me. While I was standing there I felt the emptiness start to recede a little bit. I was far from ok, but I figured my experience at the audition was the first step towards letting go. It was by no means painless, but it was a start.
